A new normal?

November 10, 2012

Today I woke up after a fitful night of sleep to see my son making breakfast and listening to my husband get ready for a community event we are heading up. I was tired and hoped for a little more sleep as my eyes are heavy. I got a few more winks before heading out to start the day.

I’ve done more crying in the past 48 hours than I’ve done in years. My eyes are dry physically at this point. I’ve found two things so far that give me hope.

1. God. He has been preparing my whole life for this in many ways. It’s a battle and I know that. I know over the years I’ve thought many times, “God, why is there so much on my platter?” Now I know. It was to prepare for this. I can and will do this. It is like any other roadblock in life, you must find a way to overcome.

2. Friends and Family. I think about the people I’ve interviewed over the years and their takes on the disease. I think about the most recent interaction I had with Chris Spielman a few weeks ago. His message of being a warrior in order to fight the disease. I take those words to heart. I thought about the meaning of being a warrior this morning while I was driving because that is when I seem to do my best thinking aside from when I’m vacuuming. I think about the outpouring of support and the words of encouragement. I think about the way that somehow me going through this will help others. I think about putting together a soundtrack of songs that will remind me that beyond the pain — yes there is pain and has been for months, beyond the tears and the fear is hope. I have to keep reminding myself that there are others who have done this and rocked cancer’s world. I not only want to rock it, I want to roll it, beat it up and send it home for good. This girl doesn’t go down without a fight.

For now I’m trying to keep a good head on my shoulders.

Even in the face of danger I’ve stepped it up over the years. This is no different. There is a comfort that through this I don’t have to tell him how scared I am. I’m sure he knows. I sat at my dad’s grave yesterday morning wrapped in a blanket and just cried. He was one of the few people I could let my guard enough down around to cry, sob and sob some more. As weird as it sounds, after two hours of crying I felt better. It wasn’t the same as when he’d put his arm around me and tell me it was going to be okay like when I was younger but it was close. I told him that I won’t let him down. I told him I will be okay to take care of my family, to take care of my mom, to take care of my son and husband for decades to come but first I have to pour all I have into beating this thing. It may mean a little different way of living for a bit — but hopefully not. Hopefully surgery will go well and I’ll be back to doing what I do in no time. After all — writing is a stress relief for me. How many people can say that about their jobs in life?

So for now, its adjusting to this weird uncertainty and when you are a “black or white” person who needs things to be set in stone and written out — living in a situation where there isn’t exactly a black and white explanation of how to proceed because there are so many unknowns freaks me out a bit.



One Response to “A new normal?”

  1. Julie Rose Says:

    You’re doing just fine Bev. You’ve got a handle on this like no other!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: