A manic Monday?

November 13, 2012

Ok, so I got through the day. It wasn’t a gracious finish but a finish none the less.

Originally as I sat down to write this evening, the electricity went out. Thankfully it came back on as fast as it went out and now the heat is on and the hum of the furnace is rather comforting.

I did a lot of thinking today while I was putting the paper together — thinking about how to help Jason understand that he can’t catch cancer. It was his first question after Rob and I told him last week. Although we have explained that cancer isn’t like a cold or the flu — its not catchy, I don’t know if he truly believes us or understands. It breaks my heart. He shouldn’t have to be scared or worry but I know just like his momma…he worries. He thinks too much and too hard — just like me. While he make look exactly like Rob – Jason is very much me on the inside.

I filled out so much paperwork today that I thought my fingers were going to cramp up. However, the more information the doctors have — the better off I will be.

I had a dream last night — first dream in a while as the rest have been hardcore nightmares…hardcore may be an understatement. My dream last night was so simple — it was about going to the movies with Rob and Jason to see the Smurfs 2. You see last year we started our own “thing” for Thanksgiving. Going out for lunch at Beachy’s and then to the movies and coming home for my famous well its not famous although Jason proclaims it is the best stuff on earth — Thanksgiving leftover casserole and pumpkin upside down cake. It was simple and easy and was slow. That was the key. There was no rat race about dressing perfectly or making the right foods or worrying about saying the wrong thing. We didn’t have to be anywhere at a certain time — we just had to be ourselves.

Even growing up holidays were a big pain. While the time with those you love and care about is great — getting to Grandma’s House on time was never painless or without mental anguish. It was hard. I liked it best when we stayed at home and people came to our house. We didn’t have to stress or fret or worry. Even the year when the turkey didn’t bake and we had chicken burgers instead with all the fixings — it was still a great Thanksgiving.

Hmmm. Perhaps that is what needs to happen. I know I won’t be up for doing it this year….but perhaps hosting everyone at our house could be done. Hmm.

I also started thinking forward to after this surgery and whatever treatment plan that ensues. This could be my first Christmas in years where I’m not in pain and not worried about that time of the month and if I laugh to hard or have to cough. I know it probably sounds weird but that is one awesome thought! On a daily basis pain starts in my rib cage and goes to my knees. On a scale of ten..its a 5 most of the time. I have learned to deal with it most of the time. Sometimes I give in and take the pain pills. They help take the edge off when I can’t concentrate otherwise.

I’m excited to talk to the nurse tomorrow well…technically later today to set up this appointment after we go over all my information. I feel at ease about it. I know that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and while at first I didn’t think I could handle this…I know better now. I can — with the help of others. That’s a huge deal for me. I’m just different I guess. I have trouble letting people open doors for me. It is just how I am. Maybe its the Tom Boy in me or just being the farmer’s daughter, the oldest etc who has always done for myself. But whatever it is — it is very hard to change something you have been doing for 30 plus odd years.

Tonight after work when I got in my car I took a deep breath. I looked at my hands and was thankful for another day to use them. I came home, hugged and kissed Rob before getting ready for bed. Now I’m wide awake and have checked on Jason twice and gone to give Rob another hug even though he is sleeping.

This is me — I will check on both of them at least twice more before going to sleep. A few hours is better than none because my mind just won’t turn off and even the sleeping pills don’t take the edge off so I could get more than 3 or 5 hours a night. I get my sleep one hour at a time. Tonight I’m exhausted so I’m hopeful for a straight shot of several hours so I can get through tomorrow with a smile on my face.

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One Response to “A manic Monday?”

  1. Julie Rose Says:

    The smile will be there regardless of the sleep. Cuz you’re Bev!


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