Grays equal blue

December 4, 2012

Being positive all of the time is impossible. I do my best to put one foot in front of the other and be as normal as possible for my own sanity and to keep things on an even keel for Jason because he deserves a caring mom who isn’t totally stressed out about tying up loose ends and trying to make sure that everything last thing is taken care of.

However, there are times when stress wins and not the good kind of stress that I thrive on. It would almost appear at times like the devil knocks at the door just to scare me a little more.

I know that this is doable. I’ve met hundreds of women over the years who have battled cancer and won. That is my job right now — battling and winning.

I’m scared that I’ll never feel “normal” again. That is putting it mildly and at least kind of painting around the bluntness of the matter. There are definitely no books on that one.

Rob is being absolutely wonderful but at times I wish he’d just talk. I wish I knew exactly what was going on in his head. I know he has to be scared too. I talk it out. That’s how I work. Rob doesn’t really talk it out so it’s a question mark of sorts. I love him to pieces and want to help but I am not sure how to do that. So it becomes a gray area.

Jason is another gray area. He doesn’t talk much. We were studying for the spelling bee and there are almost an entire page of words that had something to do with cancer. He looked at me almost like he was mad that we were studying them. Yet we got through it. I asked him if he’s scared — he said no. I asked him if he has any questions. Again, he said no.

He is scared of hospitals — as am I. He doesn’t want to go to OSU for the surgery and honestly I don’t want to force him. We have made arrangements with some great friends to hang out with him on his turn to play video games or monopoly or whatever he wants to do. I think it will help him deal in his own way.

Yet the really sweet thing is that when I told him my Christmas party at work is the morning of my surgery on December 21 — he begged to go to “represent me.” It brought me to tears. I am considering letting him go with a friend of mine. I’m sure he’d be welcome and be around a whole bunch of people who care about and love him as much as Rob and I do. Yet I don’t want to impose on anyone either.

See that’s the thing…I’m so dog gone independent that asking for assistance and help is a big deal to me. I’m slowly talking to my “chosen ones” about doing things in my absence from work and making a list of things that need to be completed beforehand to make sure there are no hiccups along the way.

The great thing is that I think I have all the bugs worked out so that I can access my work computer from home – a blessing in and of itself. This means that from my pj’s I can sit here in my comfy office chair or recliner and get work done at work. Indeed I think this could be a nice perk — but the costliness of the service is another story. They offer one month free and its a month-to-month after that…so we shall see how well it works and go from there.

I’m still doing reading and stats and figures and outcomes and treatments. Keep in mind Dr. Salani did point to at least a month of radiation because she doubted that she could safely get my lymph nodes out. We won’t know more about post operative things until after its over and everything has been tested. So that’s a gray area too.

All these grays add up to one blue Bevie.

So I tried to think happy thoughts on my walk today. I split it in half because I’m just tired beyond belief right now. 2 miles at lunch and 2 miles after the spelling bee. The two miles after the spelling bee wasn’t my normal flat track walking…it was all over town as part of the loop created by 4hers a few years ago. That trek is good. I’ve decided I need to keep challenging myself though because four miles seems to be my wall….so it may be time to join a gym for the entire family.

Jason who I affectionately ask if he has a hollow leg because he eats and eats and eats but doesn’t gain a pound right now — instead he just grows inches at a time would like us to have a weight lifting machine. I think he would like what there is at the gym. He’s shot up over 4 inches since school began as well as a shoe size. Seriously keeping this boy in clothes and shoes is going to be a challenge. He is only 12 and in a size 11.5 or 12 depending on who makes them. His pants … a 34w 34l or 36 depending on who makes them. His voice is changing which makes for interesting discussions and a few quirky moments in choir class!

So that’s my current research project. We shall see what I can find.

Next Wednesday is pre op testing. I’m half sick thinking about it because I know I’m a hard stick for needles. I also know that I need to be calm and relaxed so I can test well and get everything cleared for surgery. I get scared because I know how bad my arms hurt in January — it was 16 sticks just to get one iv in me.

So tonight I’m praying for peace and clarity so that perhaps I can keep myself busy enough that I won’t worry so much about next week. I keep telling myself that I can do this with help from God and my family and friends. However, all of that is easier said than done. So while I’m doing my best to learn to be better about patience and accepting help — I see its going to be an even bigger learning curve than I ever imagined.



4 Responses to “Grays equal blue”

  1. Hey Bev, hang in there, you are a strong woman and just remember all the people that are praying and pulling for you. Hang in there and don’t let the devil win!!!
    I think it is so sweet that Jason wants to go to your Christmas Party, in this whole situation he feels helpless and he has no control but, this is one thing that he can do for you. He feels like he is helping you and that is the most important thing for him right now, for him to feel like he is helping you. Hnag in there. Deb

  2. Jill Starner Says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers often. There are times at school I look at Jason and think does he need to talk or is he just concentrating that hard. Let me know if the teachers at school can do anything to help him, you, or Rob.

  3. Julie Rose Says:

    The cool thing about working from home in our jammies is that we can be just as productive! I love it! Some of my best ideas come when I’m comfy! You’re going to be just fine! Keep on sharing!

  4. justdarcy Says:

    Bev, you my dear are TRUE BLUE! Your openness to walk through this and allow us all to go with you speaks volumes of the depth of your integrity. You have a whole team in this community that will do whatever we can. Your job in this is to let us know and RECEIVE!!! Keep up the walking in every sence! Peace my friend!

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