I can feel it…

December 8, 2012

I have the music up this afternoon and am writing and laying out and working on making pictures fit. I’m working on my lists and immersing myself in work to tame the stress.

Last night was the first time in a very long time that Rob and I were able to spend some quality time together – albeit when we were both beyond tired. If there is something we need — it is to help him know I’m going to be just fine. I’m one tough cookie. I may be on my knees but I can and will fight with all that I am.

While I try not to dwell on the fact that cancer is cancer and there is no real cure — there is hope. There are plenty of meds and treatments and at this point we don’t know beyond surgery and radiation if there is more to the picture. I know this — God doesn’t lead you to it if He can’t lead you through it. Life is hard and there are battles and this really is something I’ve been preparing for my entire life.

I know that in a sense there is a small nation of prayer warriors who keep me and my family in their prayers daily. I couldn’t be more thankful. As we get closer — pray for my main doctor — Dr. Salani and her team as well.

This coming week is the beautiful trip for pre-op testing. Rob needs to work so friend Nancy Harrison and I are going for the road trip. She asked me if I’m a good co-pilot. I said I can be and am sure we will have a great time. We are hoping for no snow — because anxiety and an EKG don’t mix!

So I’m continuing my therapy of walking to get rid of the stress and anxiety. At this rate half my day could be spent walking or on the stationary bike. Hmm… I saw a cute saying the other night — if stress burned calories I’d be a supermodel. Hmmm. I agree. Instead, I have gum and sugar free candy in my drawer when I feel the need to chew. It is so weird how that reflex calms me. Why?

I looked back over the last few years of my life — its not been easy. As all these parts of me got worse  — I lived less and less. I am praying for healing. I am praying for strength. I am praying for wisdom. I’m also praying for others who didn’t opt to get their conditions checked and have passed on.

Please, please — if you have any of the symptoms that I have had — run, don’t walk — and get yourself checked. I never thought in a million years I’d get full blown cancer. I’m not even 40. I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I thought my symptoms were something I could live with but as they got worse, it became clear that ignoring them wouldn’t make them go away. The heavy, non-stop bleeding, blood clots, pain and fatigue ran my life.

I look back and see how far I have come in a year. It was this time last year when I started as a patient of Dr. Hamilton in Canton. I have never been treated so well as I was by Dr. Hamilton and his staff. I recommend him as the most caring OB I’ve ever encountered! He listened. He didn’t throw pills at me. He helped me get on the right track. Without him, who knows where I’d be. He saw me through a time where I needed six blood transfusions in just three days. He gave me hope.

He made it possible for me to be active again. And without him, I wouldn’t have gone on to see Dr. Euro for the robot surgery. It was during that turn of events that cancer was found.

I owe a great deal to Dr. Hamilton for keeping me positive and helping me live again. I’ve been more active in the past two months than I have been in a year. While I’ve always been out and about — more often than not — I would do events and then simply crash. Now I can keep going. There was a time I couldn’t get through more than half of Walmart. I can do it now easily. I couldn’t get through a quarter of the mall. Now I can get through the entire thing a few times over before I start to feel it. There was a time I didn’t think a mile was doable and now albeit a bit slow at 16 to 17 minutes for a mile –I can do four miles with less and less slowing down. And while I’m down in pounds and inches the best thing is that I feel better. A protein shake for breakfast is a great start for this gal who skipped breakfast for years!! Many times I’ll make a double and just sip it all day and then have dinner with Rob and Jason.

I’m taking a deep breath and getting back to work. I enjoyed some coffee and relaxation for my brain and now its back to doing what I do.

Wednesday is pre op stuff. Two weeks from today I hope to be on my way home with a clear picture of what it will take to get me better and cancer free for the rest of my days. I can’t wait to spend Christmas with my family and those I love.

Jason asked me about putting up the tree etc tomorrow. I told him if I have to work all night tonight so I can be home most of tomorrow — we will do just that.

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