Panic

December 21, 2012

I knew it would happen at some point before surgery. That time was tonight. I thought I had almost everything taken care of and I came home early to spend some time with Rob and Jason. I sorted through some of the things I had brought home and was making a mental to do list and I was calm. I packed my bag and put everything together that I need for today and I was okay.
I sat down at the computer to check on the progress of some things at the office and I couldn’t remember the code to access my desktop. Rob was upset with me for caring so much, telling me I need to sleep and rest and relax. I got a bit angry because my mind doesn’t work that way. I need diversion so I don’t implode and lose my mind.
I ended up driving to the office at midnight to reset the pass code, email copies of it to Rob and I and then came back home.
I had to take another shower with this awful soap that makes my skin hot and splochy and so dry it is almost a crime. I’ve had no food since December 19 at 7:30 p.m. Liquids are now cut off as well. My last tall glass of ice water was 11:47 p.m.
I had my meltdown when I got back to the house. I started to panic and sweat and hyperventilate as I cried. I’m scared out of my mind. I am someone who doesn’t need time to dwell on things and over think it.
I look outside and see the snow. I hear the wind from time to time and I am like I would never travel in these conditions — but this surgery is worth it. All of my fears hit me head on and I cried.
Rob is sleeping. Our plan is to leave at 3 a.m. to be in Columbus by 6 a.m. Surgery is 8 a.m. It should last about 4 hrs. If things go well, Rob will stay the night with me and I will come home on Saturday.
At this point I know its out of my hands. I’ve done all I could do. I’ve stayed well. I’ve taken my meds. I’ve done everything I’ve been told.
It’s all God at this point because I really have nothing else. I will fight, you have my word on that, but mentally right now I’m overwhelmed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and shook my head in disbelief.
Perhaps the next few weeks will teach me some things and perhaps groom others at the same time. I can hope and pray that this is the beginning of a steady progression of good. You see in taking Jason to see Dr. Teeter this afternoon, he was so optimistic about Jason’s healing — noting he will recheck him on January 4 and if things look good he will put him in a different kind of cast. He warned no running, jumping or gym class for the next 8 to 10 weeks but Jason may be able to walk without a cast by the end of January. I say that is definitely a step in the right direction. So right now it looks like his total time off school will only be 6 days. I’m taking a bit deep breath of relief.
So here’s hoping I get to sit at this computer screen on Saturday night and type a little note.
-Bevieboooo

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3 Responses to “Panic”

  1. Carol Worrell Says:

    Thoughts and prayers are going with you to Columbus. You have a small army of friends and relatives who are pulling for you.

  2. Aunt Karen Says:

    Beverly,
    We are praying for you as well as Jason and Rob. Sorry, you were not home when we stopped earlier this evening. We had a nice short visit with Jason and Rob. Your Christmas tree on the front porch looks beautiful. I told Uncle Stan I wish we had a porch to do something like what you did. We also liked your tree in your living room with all the decorations.
    We love you.
    Aunt Karen and Uncle Stan

  3. Julie Rose Says:

    Feeling positive enough to say, “See? I told ya!” Feeling concerned enough to keep on praying! *gentle hugs*


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