A lump in the road

January 16, 2013

I was working on being okay with looking at the scars and incision marks. Some of them you’d never know they were there. Others are obviously a bit more pronounced. I was also working on cleaning off that glue that is on my skin and not the incisions. All of that glue is gone but the residue is everywhere. You don’t want to scrub too hard and in some places it hurts a little too much to scrub real hard. So I was working on it and I noticed something that didn’t quite look right. It explained why some of my clothing felt weird. There is a lump on my far right side yet on the underside of my left breast.

I had a meltdown. I sat in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I realized I couldn’t just sit there — I needed to be mom and take care of Jason and help with homework explanations and I needed to go to work.

I made my way to the office at the house and looked for the number to my doctor at Ohio State. I called and talked to the nurse who was so wonderful. She waited for me to breath and catch my breath and listened. She put me on hold to talk to the doctor and the fellows. I have an appointment for follow up and such next Tuesday. They will look at it then. She assured me that it could be hormone related because my body is still in shock over having hormones in excess one day and not having something making huge supplies the next. I tried to take comfort in that. It is also small … about the size of a dime.

I got off the phone, fixed myself up and put on a brave face. I left for work and drove to Winesburg. I sat in the cemetery where my dad was buried almost 8 years ago next week. I cried and prayed and waited for some kind of guidance. It was dark and gray and then out of the clouds there was sun. I took that with me and I drove to the office with the music cranked and cried. I pulled into the office parking lot and put on the brave face and got through my tasks.

I told my husband and my mom. My mom cried and cried with me. I told her the doctors said it might just be hormones. She said that is what she will pray for. I know she is scared. I reminded her that I’m stubborn and strong because I’m just built that way.

I ran into an old friend yesterday and she teased me if I was just off for lunch and sneaking to get some grocery shopping done. I smiled and said no, I only worked 3 hours today. She looked startled and I told her my story. In talking to her perhaps there was some blessing shed and shared. Perhaps I am supposed to be home right now growing closer to Jason because he needs me as much as I need him. He was the reason I got up and out of my chair to make sure I was home to take care of him when I was in the hospital. He was the reason I didn’t just lay in bed after coming home — he needed me. He is the reason I keep getting up even when it hurts because he needs me. I have to get better and stronger to take care of him and this family…it’s what I do. I don’t know how to do anything different.

I’m stubborn, yes….but I’m not stupid. I walked two miles on Saturday without pain. However, after my near fall Saturday and again Monday I’m in a lot of pain. Thankfully it was just some fluid on the ear and I feel pretty stable again.

I asked God last night when I was sitting up wide awake at 2 a.m. why all of the bumps and in the case lump in the road. It wasn’t until this morning when I was sitting down with Jason to explain a homework question that I heard his answer…. it is to stop, slow down and enjoy what I have because Jason won’t be this age forever. The cat won’t be this young. The dog won’t always perk up when you come home. You won’t always have your mom next door. Your little brother and sister will only be here so long. You will only be here so long. Your husband will only be here so long. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Life has lots of twists and turns and no one is promised a perfect day, week, month or life. No is promised tomorrow at all. It means live in the day and do what you can, while you can.

I sat and prayed for a bit after that and realized I have gotten this far. No one said it would be easy but I didn’t know it was going to be this hard….but in reality there are tons of people who have it worse than I do. My goal is to help those who need it and will accept the help. But I also have to be realistic and let others help me — as hard as that is for me to embrace. I went shopping for a few things yesterday and just skipped something on my list because it was on the bottom shelf. I need to stop being so determined and ask for help. So that’s my goal for this week…to be more accepting of help from others and to embrace all the good things that are around me.



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