The little things

January 30, 2013

My vacuum and I have been separated for over a month. I tried to get it out last week but that hurt. I got it out today using different muscles and found that rolling it didn’t hurt. I plugged it in and took it for a spin in a small section of the living room. I lasted about 3 minutes. It was so mind-clearing though. I missed having that noise and vibration in my hand that made the world disappear. I could think completely clearly without any outside issues. There were no stories about zombies of asking for definitions of flying terms from Jason. The cat was quiet. The dog was sleeping and Rob was still at work. For those three minutes I felt normal. I know it probably sounds horrible but we all have our things that help clear our head and for me vacuuming is the trick.

Of course turning it off I had to figure out how to roll up the cord. Thankfully Jason was nearby and was able to lend a crutch to the situation.

I have been working to do more and more every day but still feel so far away from being completely normal and myself again. The meds to help with hot flashes etc aren’t exactly doing anything other than giving me more pains than I care to have. However, I promised to give it a few weeks but so far no such luck.

I have been researching natural estrogen replacement that you get in foods you eat. I’m thinking that could be a great answer and something I can do myself. It’s worth a shot anyway because I don’t like feeling strangely. There are times I will stop and look at how I’m reacting to something even simple and wonder where that came from. Take for example yesterday I went to the doctor for a sinus infection/ear infection issue and there was enough room to park the truck but not open a door because someone parked on an angle. I was ready to lose my cool over it and then I took a deep breath and realized someone was leaving and I could take their spot.

I took a deep breath and waited and pulled in. It took me almost five minutes just to put myself back together.

I wouldn’t have normally reacted like that with going over the deep end so quick. I was sitting there in tears and trying to figure out what to do aside from not opening a door and being all Dukes of Hazard or something and crawling out the window.

Yesterday I literally had a panic attack when I fell down and actually got stuck in the mud in my own driveway. I sat there in tears because as hard as I tried I couldn’t get up and out of the mud as it kept sucking me back in. Simple physics could have come to my rescue but I simply got frustrated which did me no good. Thankfully the mud was soft so I didn’t hurt myself and it was warm so being cold was no big deal. When I came back inside Jason offered me a crutch if it would help me. He is so sweet.

So the vacuum was a big deal for me. That was time I always looked forward to because I could be at one and there were no roadblocks to my path of mental clarity.

Jason had tutoring last night and then it was time to put dinner together. A wonderful friend held a party and made meals for us that are easy to just put in the oven after they are defrosted or in the crockpot in the morning. That is a blessing as this girl is more tired each day as I try to get back to normal.

I talked to a woman I met while I was doing pre-op tests who had the same surgery as I did but later that day. She too is healing but she is still not able to get around without help and hasn’t been out of the house except to go to the doctor. It put things in perspective for me — I am in control of how I act. God is in control of my recovery. I have to work hard but not too hard and that is a very fine line.

Friends invited me to an exercise class —sweatin the 80s or something like that. I want to go but I don’t want to over-do it. So I think I will wait a bit on that invite. Maybe start out a little more slowly on my walking routine. I put in a mile and a half yesterday and my knees are yelling just because they aren’t used to it and I certainly didn’t have my tennis shoes on.

So getting used to the “new normal” is a bit harder than I thought it would be mentally. I so terribly want to just do what I used to be able to do but know you have to put one foot in front of the other. I felt useful when taking care of most of the laundry on Sunday but have been sore ever since — you don’t realize the movements you make when doing household chores until you have to teach yourself to do them again.

Last night I tried to relax with my family after dinner and watch a show. However, my inner ear fluid wouldn’t hear of it as I got a bit dizzy watching cars drive in what felt like circles. I have missed out on a lot of these in the past few years because I was always at work or at this meeting or that meeting. However, now that I can work from home much easier than ever before, I have the option of using my sleepless nights to get things done instead of working late and missing out on time at home.

My prayers have shifted to focus on Jason as he needs to get better. The doctors met this morning and we were talking about surgery as the best option because he is just not healing and is still in pain. We are 6 weeks from the injury tomorrow and he still has pain and swelling if not elevated and taking meds. At least his school work is going well which is a blessing. He gets so excited to be doing his school work. Sometimes though I think the meds get the better of him and his answers a bit off in left field. Case in point he took a test last night while the tutor was at the house — and he looked back on an answer he gave to a definition question and realized he really didn’t answer it. We meet with the team on Friday morning at 8 a.m. and they will tell us what they are going to do. From what I understood from the nurse who called this morning their plan is to possibly rebreak what did attach and pin the bone together. I’m not sure how they do that but I will know by Friday as research is my thing. She explained that if the doctors decide to do that they would fit us in on Saturday morning at Akron Children’s Hospital and he would be able to go home later that day as long as there are no complications. She explained that physical therapy would be required and they would come to our house. How long it takes to recover depends on the patient and the outcome of the surgery. I’m scared.

-Bevieboooo

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